Sunday, March 29, 2009
"If We Could Talk to the Animals: Interview with Llamas"
As part of our continuing effort to raise the general consciousness of mankind here at Rancho Downsize-e-oh, we're taking a moment tonight to interview our resident llamas. Rest assured that no animals were harmed during this interview as spelled out in codes regarding this sort of thing.
Madhadder: Good evening Obama and Dalai. Do you mind if we take a few moments of your time for a few questions?
Obama: Oh most assuredly. Dalai?
Dalai: I think an interview would be very soul cleansing!
Madhadder: You've been at Rancho Paradisio about 3 months now. How do you find the accomodations generally?
Dalai: Satisfactory all around actually. You know I'm in a delicate condition. I appreciate that this place is quiet, abundant with edibles and water, and large enough to get up a good gallop if the urge strikes. We adore the man in the blue coat who brings oats and num nums every day.
Running water! Brrrrrrrr Lake is pleasingly chilly. We appreciate that the natives have attempted to replicate many Peruvian characteristics such as the thin air and freezing temperatures. Very thoughtful, in deed.
Obama: Yes, quite so. We do have one complaint about the Shih Tzu, however. He has muscled his way right into our evening grain and pellet ritual. I can't imagine our digestive systems bear any resemblence to his, however! Surely that is resulting in some nasty intestinal gas! Tonight he (pardon me for being graphic) relieved himself on our hay!
Madhadder: hmmm...yes, well, what are your plans when the new baby arrives in May? Are you considering birthing in?
Dalai: We've discussed that, yes. Obama seems to favor that. I'm a little nervous about his lack of experience. I'm assuming that many neighbors are well acquainted with birth and can stand at the ready! You know we llamas give birth during the day. That should increase our chances of being able to summon help should we get into a quandry.
Obama: Righto, Dalai, my love.
Madhadder: Tell us a little about your background. Have you always lived on a farm?
Dalai: One would assume that of llamas, I suspect. Actually I have a great grandmother who was a circus star. She, of course, came directly from Peru. Thank heavens, my grandfather sought a somewhat more stable life for my mother. She and my father met at a llama auction in Montana and were both brought to Idaho as sheep nannies. That's the life I was born into, and believe me, I'm loving the break from sheep!!!! Nasty bleating little creatures one and all. Fences mean absolutely nothing to them!
Madhadder: And you, Obama. Tell us a little about your past.
Obama: I'm a Harvard man--well actually a Harvard fraternity Mascot man--Alpha Chi Omega 2002-2006. I fell into that rather oddly if the truth be known. I answered an ad in the personals in the London Times. Apparently they needed someone to accompany them to football games, add ambience to the fraternity house, and participate in a few "harmless" gags. But as they say, "It's all fun 'til someone gets hurt!" During a midnight panty raid on a bordering sorority house, I tripped over a bicycle lying on the lawn and fractured my tibia. Fortunately one of my housemates had connections here in Idaho. They offered me a decent severance. I bear no ill will.
Madhadder: Fascinating! How do you feel about the current state of things economically and socially?
Obama: And there you are striking a raw nerve! You can imagine my concern that my name is going to be associated with EVERYTHING happening nationally and globally since the recent election! I mean, REALLY! What are the chances that another Obama would surface so prominently???? Actually I bear no ill will for him either and would love to meet Barack, Michelle and the girls. Perhaps we'll send a birth announcement. It would improve llama relations dramatically if the new president could bring in a few llamas to graze on the White House lawns. Don't you think?
Dalai: Of course, Dear. Llamas generally speaking are pacifists. Living as close as we do to nature we appreciate the power of cycles to bring about change albeit slowly. We do have one word of advice that has served our species well for centuries which perhaps we could pass on: Keep the food chain short! It makes for a kinder more gentle planet.
Madhadder: What are your hopes for your new baby?
Obama: Now isn't that sweet of you to ask? Isn't that sweet, Dalai?
Dalai: Yes. We can only hope for our child what thousands of llama parents have hoped for their children for centuries: well-shaped hooves, nice lashes, and the good sense to come in out of the rain!
Obama: Let me add something to that. You may have noticed my striking coloring and Dalai's exotic white coat. Indubidibly we hope to carry on good coloring. Bloodlines are so important, you know.
Madhadder: Yes, I'm sure. Is there anything else you'd like to address before we end this?
Dalai: Why yes.
We've heard some rumors that we'd certainly like to investigate. Word on the street has it that the caretakers of Rancho-Make-a-Profit-O are going to anesthetize us and de-fleece us next summer! Can you shed any light on that????
Madhadder: I can neither confirm nor deny that. This is Madhadder with Obama and Dalai Llama direct from Rancho-Take-a-De-Fleece-and-Run-i-O. Back to you, Katie.