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Friday, January 25, 2013

My Feelings on Deer--Bambi Excepted

I think deer are vermin.  They are the rodents of the woods.  They leap out of nowhere and send cars reeling off the side of the road, wounded and bent, causing thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars of damage and untold months of car repairs, to say nothing of insurance rates..  I think deer lack character and are generally parasites of the planet.  Graceful?  Nope.  Beautiful?  Not even.  Creatures of God?  Maybe just marginally.  My personal experience with deer has been nothing but discomfort and heavy annoyance:
  • Once a deer barged across the highway outside of Soda Springs one spring (yes, you read that right--not even the decency to restrict themselves to one season) as Cheryl Belnap and I were returning from class at Idaho State.  This deer OBLITERATED my newly paid for Ford Festiva.
  • Deer by the thousands invaded our large corner yard in New Jersey.  You couldn't even shoo them away, the lowlifes.  They chewed our garden down to the nubs and wiped my perennials off the face of the earth.
  • Last October another deer lay in wait one dark night in Wyoming as I returned from Cokeville with a carload of young girls.  As I approached, he threw himself through the air smartly glancing off the front right headlight.  That pirouette resulted in screams and subsequent wallet squeezing repairs compounded by 6 weeks of Subaru-lessness because the mechanic got bit by a spider and couldn't go to work!!
  • EVERY year I have ever taught in Idaho when hunting season approaches, deer fever seizes 90% of my students rendering them glassy-eyed and useless.  Young 12 year old boys, ink still wet on their hunting licenses, doodle antlers in their writing journals, stand in the halls with arms spread to demonstrate rack sizes, write endless journal entries involving blood, guns, near misses yadayadayada.  Barbaric.  For awhile our school sponsored a "Biggest Rack" contest.  Kids, many still pre-pubescent for heaven's sake, drug in racks of all manner--some still with bloody hair attached.  One kid didn't get the memo to detach the head BEFORE he carted in the antlers, so we all had nightmares for weeks of his deer head--tongue lolling--being proudly hoisted up onto the contest table in the hall.  Bad bad.  
  • Deer fever so permeates a young kid's life that I've seen them over and over obsess about getting a truck with a gun rack.  All other focus in life steps aside, and consequently so do goals and academics.  Trucks are worse than girlfriends. 
Let's just say I have strong issues.  So this morning at 6:30 while I'm sitting placidly  at the computer desk knitting and finishing up the audio of Moroni, Paco flings open the door to the office and bursts in.  I nearly infarc.  Madd: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????  YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????????????"
Paco:  "There are deer in the backyard."  Madd: "I HATE DEER!!!!  I CAN'T STAND DEER!!  I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT DEER!!!!!"  And Paco retreats.  See what I mean?


Season said...

A deer once darted in front of my car and sent me spinning across I-15 and into the desert. I was on the phone with your son at the exact time. 'Twas before we were married. It still remains the most terrifying experience my little life has had. So I'll stand behind you on the deer bashing.

AmyJane said...

I'm with you. Deer are the worst. Especially Idaho deer.

Did you ever hear about the time I hit a moose? In a Nissan Sentra?
It was awesome.

Taggart said...

Season, you can blame that deer for you marrying Tom. High stress and intense situation bond people together. Your brain automatically recognizes Tom as having shared that traumatic event with you, and so you are bound together for eternity.

Patti said...

No deer story, just a scream: I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK BLOGGING! *squeal*

Shelly said...

Oh deer.

Favorite books

  • Me 'n Steve
  • Thundering Sneakers
  • James Herriott's vet books
  • The Count of Monte Cristo
  • Travels with Charley
  • A Walk in the Woods
  • Peace Like a River
  • The Egg and I
  • Mary Poppins
  • Extremly Loud Incredibly Close
  • How Green Was my Valley